4.4  Responsibilities of the Married Couple

Goal:   To have a marriage relationship that is continuously strengthened and deepened as each couple lives faithful lives of mutual love and support.

 Guideline: Take steps to strengthen and deepen the marriage relationship.

 Discussion: There is a difference between getting married and becoming married. Getting married is a pivotal event for a couple. It is the beginning of a new life, the culmination of a budding relationship. It is a profound profession of faith that publicly reveals love that is meant to last forever. Getting married is an achievement, an arrival, and a threshold to a promise.

Becoming married is another proposition. In their book, Becoming Married, Herbert Anderson and Robert Cotton Fite say, “We may fall in love or into marriage but we do not fall into becoming married. That requires self-conscious intent.”

In some ways it starts long before a couple even know each other. Perceptions of marriage that are shaped by the marriages around them, from birth to the present, are part of that “becoming.” Cultural influences, ethnic, regional, generational, and from their families of origin, inform (or misinform) them about marriage.

Becoming married also includes discerning the call from within to discover one’s vocation in life. It is discerning a life of faithful commitment. This is very important. Prayerful discernment about one’s vocation–responding to God’s call– leads to a life with passion and meaning. Marriages that are born of this kind of discernment are most promising because they are shaped by faith.

Becoming married takes a turn toward the particular when one man and one woman choose each other. Their prayerful discernment continues through the engagement period. The wedding becomes more of a crescendo than an achievement.

Their becoming continues well into the marriage. As they traverse the stages of life they continue to learn how to be committed to each other. At each stage there is new becoming—as new parents, with adolescent children, as empty nesters, through illness, in retirement, even when a spouse dies.

Essentially, becoming married is a journey that begins as a response to God’s call—a life of vocation, and extends throughout life. It is a journey of experiences of transformation and conversion.

The journey also includes taking the initiative to seek new learning. Yet, marriage education is an issue that is easily overlooked by couples who have numerous demands confronting them everyday. However, because marriage is a primary relationship, the couple must try to reserve the time and take the necessary steps to keep the marriage relationship alive and growing. 

Couples should take it upon themselves to seek out education opportunities. These opportunities could include programs and resources offered by their local parish as well as participation in Marriage Encounter, Retrouvaille, couples’ retreats, and other marriage enrichment/education programs.

Couples should also take the opportunity to connect with other married couples for Christian fellowship and mutual support. Programs for ongoing support and mentoring offered at the parish can be excellent resources. Married couples should use them. 

Goal: To seek outside help if difficulties arise in the marriage.

Guideline: There is concern for problems that arise in the marriage. It is advised to ask for outside help to get a better perspective on the difficulties.

Discussion: Rarely does a couple, on their wedding day, expect to have any difficulties in their marriage. It is a time of joy, promise, and anticipation of a life together, forever.

Current research shows that marriages often get into trouble in the first few years and couples have little knowledge of what to do about it. They may be embarrassed or shamed and they struggle to make it work. Too many times the resolution becomes separation and divorce.

There are many fine books, programs, and strategies to help a couple grow into their marriage. It takes some extra work on their part, but it gives them the opportunity to regain and renew their commitment to the marriage.

The person who helped prepare the couple for marriage knows quite a bit about them and is the logical place to start for any help or discussion the couple may like to have about any difficulties they are having. Contact that minister for resources when needed.