2.6.6  Cohabitation

While cohabitation is not an impediment to marriage, it will require more intensive marriage preparation and perhaps an extended period of time for the preparation. Pope John Paul II, in his apostolic exhortation, Familiaris Consortio, has stated:

The pastors and the ecclesial community should take care to become acquainted with such situations and their actual causes, case by case. They should make tactful and respectful contact with the couples concerned, and enlighten them patiently, correct them charitably and show them the witness of Christian family life, in such a way as to smooth the path for them to regularize their situation...

Thus it would hardly seem possible to turn such couples away and close the door to any possibility of regularizing their situation. Rather, the Church must reach out to such couples, treat them with understanding, and gradually help them to understand how their situation is a contradiction to Church teaching. 

It is not possible to have a “one size fits all” policy with regard to cohabitation, since the Holy Father has urged that each situation be assessed individually. Therefore, pastors are urged to treat each cohabiting couple as their unique situation deserves. This is not an invitation to compromise Church teaching on the subject. It is simply a reminder that we must apply that teaching with equity (which is justice tempered by mercy). 

In discussing the matter with couples, it is important for everyone to deal honestly with each other. The subject cannot simply be ignored, since this gives the impression that the Church condones cohabitation or at least is willing to tolerate it. It also prevents the couple from exploring their own relationship in light of the Church’s teaching, and reflecting on what their new relationship “in the Lord” is going to be.

Marriage in the Lord is more than just a lifestyle; it is certainly more than just one lifestyle among many. It is a unique and permanent way of living which indicates the couple’s relationship to the Christian community. While they are just living together, they are not that sign to the community of the faithful, fruitful, committed love of God in our midst. When they join themselves together in marriage, they become that sign. Therefore, they need to reflect even more upon the decision they are making to “marry in the Lord.”

Procedure

In discussing cohabitation with the couple, the following questions might be asked:

·         How long have they known each other?

·         What were the reasons that led them to cohabit? (If these reasons include escape from a violent, abusive, or otherwise dysfunctional home environment, the effects of this home environment may have some affect on the person’s decision to enter into marriage, or their ability to do so. The person may wish to explore these issues with a counselor.)

·         What has been their experiences of each other during the time they have lived together? In other words, how stable has the relationship been? Have there been any instances of infidelity, physical abuse, or substance abuse? Have there been times when they did not live together or wished they did not live together?

·         How well do they understand that the way they are living is contrary to the Church’s teaching and practice?

·         What is it that made them decide that living together was not sufficient and that they wanted to get married?

·         What is it that made them want to marry “in the Lord,” rather than go through a civil ceremony?

·         How will “being married” be different from “living together”?

·         How are they going to mark that difference? (Living apart from each other until after the wedding? Together participating in or supporting a charitable organization? Any other ways that might mark the difference?)

·         Is there any sense that being married will “fix up” a relationship that is going badly or “spice up” a relationship that has gone stale?

·         Is there any pressure being exerted from family?

·         Are there any immigration or naturalization considerations present in the decision to marry?

·         Are there any fears that are driving their decision to marry?

·         Are there any external factors that are driving their decision to marry (for example, a pregnancy, the need for life or health insurance, a job transfer, military deployment, etc.)? 

Preparation

The couple should attend Special PreCana in addition to the preparation that they receive with the pastoral minister.

Paperwork

There is no additional paperwork that needs to be submitted to the Office for Canonical Services, unless a dispensation from an impediment is necessary.